M for My Emotional Puberty

When he first stepped into my life I asked if he is here for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. “lifetime” he answered. While I was sure he is there only for a season.
Now, I can positively tell that we both didn’t get that right..he was there for a reason.

A reason that dawned on me long after days and months of grief and anger…and finally making peace with the fact that I’ve lost -fairly-.

It actually dawned on me when I noticed that people started calling me ن “Noon” instead of Nerro. I recently changed my nickname on all social media and networks from Nerro to ن.

For long -I believe it started when I was in college- people have been calling me Nerro. I used to like the nickname with its childish reverberation and effect. But recently I couldn’t relate to it. I look back and I like the Pippi Longstocking-ish kinda playfulness and charm but..this is no longer me. People change..and I have changed.

M was there for this, he was my steppingstone to womanhood (on the grand and profound level of the word).
I would have liked to say that he walked me gently towards maturity, alas, it wasn’t the case. Over 3 years; he literally dragged and skinned me inside out to it. Does it make any difference? I think it was the only way out of my half child/half woman state.

I am exploring my new state, enjoying my way off the bud..and thankful for Pippi’s courage and laughable soul. Walking away while keeping that one line out of this stage to the next “don’t you worry about me, for I will always come at the top”.

I am also genuinely thankful for M and everyone who filled his heart with (explicable) hatred and anger towards me, for making me fight the fights of a woman not the child that I was. For teaching me that the absolute belief in goodness and intentions is the most ridiculous joke I used to tell and repeat. For being the “reason” verb & noun.

I am truly and heartily grateful.

Love & Light
ن

#EpicFail

I have been reluctant to write about it (again), because it is ridiculous…it is uber humiliating for a 30+ woman to admit that she has failed miserably in loving, leaving, and living. What’s more embarrassing is the fact that this person had the dreams, the will, and enough reserve of energy to turn those dreams into magnificent reality.

But I failed..I did fall in the clutches of self driven failure, not sure where this kind of destructive energy came from. I always though that I love and appreciate myself enough to evict the pressure of any self or social mediocrity.

I won’t go through the details, I just wanted to admit my failure..I still don’t know what am I gonna do to start accepting myself again, as a human who has been given the gift of life but deliberately wasted a good deal of that gift….for nothing.

on Crazy Girls

I am the crazy girl who speaks her mind and heart out..realizing that I am losing because I don’t play by the rules of a world I see as mediocre.

I am the crazy girl who finds solace in ugly truth. I have been called negative because I strip the truth bare and reject unnecessary “white” lies…

I am the crazy girl who follows her heart and intuition -and the voices in her head-. I have been called cold and unfriendly because I don’t show my Gemini colors, I loathe pretenses. I value people -even those whom I don’t like- enough not to pretend they mean anything to me, or fight and bring out the maniac in me to get a firm hold of cherished ones and place them in the place I deem appropriate in my heart and life.

I am the crazy girl who feels like hurting you bad and would compromise at the thought of a hug or hearing your voice…I am the crazy girl you are struggling to accept her rawness and aloofness.

I am the crazy girl who doesn’t believe in grey areas. Black, white, and Rainbow colors define the way I approach life.

I am the crazy girl who thinks of herself as Stargirl despite the shortfalls, not because I am too vain to acknowledge them, on the contrary, I do…but I also know for sure that star people are hard to find.

On Peeing Statues and Kafka

Nothing could set a better introductory to the -well- perfectly Kafkaesque setting of Franz Kafka’s Museum in Prague as David Cerny’s “Piss/Pee” Statue.

What on earth could be more welcoming than a couple of men pissing on a Czech Republic shaped pool!!

On his take on Art, Cerny says:
“Provocation is the amplified…uh…amplified reason why the art exists. What’s supposed to be called ‘art’ and not design has to have something behind. Has to have some message, whatever. Of course, it can have a static message. But it has to have a message, it’s not a ‘chair’.”

Well, you don’t have to agree or disagree with Cerny’s point of view..yet it is a fact that his works are remarkable.

The above statue draws lots and lots of tourists -not for the erotic notion I hope- around the Kafka’s morbid museum, even those who are not visiting the museum itself.

On a quick note: am totally prejudiced. Never liked Franz Kafka, and after visiting his museum I realized it is because he is the sole creator of his dilemma.
His “existential circle” could have been wider & less tragic but he inflicted much agony on his life for the sake of “literature” I suppose.

9/365 on Impressions :D

4/365 Lost

“Getting lost is just another way of saying going exploring”

3/365 what are you waiting for

Runnnnn

When you see every possible sign….run.  There is nothing brave or romantic about waiting for a different end while walking the same path recognizing the resemblance in oblivion.

                 “she could escape only by leaving a piece of herself behind.”

2/365 The road not taken

Salah Salem Traffic Jam

Bey2ollak the road not taken (see the other side of Salah Salem, yes the side am not taking) is always flowing without any congestion (ma3 el i3tezar l Frost).

Speaking of traffic. The drive to and from Downtown is killing me these days. It is fine in the morning, I go out fairly early to avoid the rush, yet in the evening it is inevitable.  ehe2 ””

1/365 Smile.. My 365 photo project: commitment challenge

Maha’s project inspired me to take the challenge…the commitment of posting/taking one photo a day. I won’t go for inspirational, but something that impacts/impacted my day. Let’s see how will this go.

Fridge Notes

This is the kind of notes we leave to each other at home. Mama sleeps early and wakes up obnoxiously early..and in order to convey a message of skipping a work day, I usually leave her a note (as illustrated above).  Purpose is (besides I don’t want to wake up early in a day off) ? to make her smile first thing is the morning. Why? cause she always makes me smile first thing in the morning and by always I mean even in (her) times of distress.

on a very personal note

- In case you didn’t notice, we all fall under the real definition of peripatetic ticking bombs. Our tolerance level to each other is below zero these days, which I find it pretty normal.

I try to act according to this base mostly all the time, but I explode when pushed to an edge.

- It is the end of May already, and June is a couple of days away. I just don’t know if I have admitted this explicitly before, but I hate June..I used to dislike it prior to 2010, as I considered it along with July one long hot 60 days month. Since the death of Grandma last year in the 1st day of June…I announced my pure and extreme abhorrence.  I know I shouldn’t hate ayam rabena.

But I just cannot prevent myself from doing so. I have been fighting this feeling but my heart is as heavy as a 3 story building with a swimming pool on top.

 

 - Note to *him*: message –or lack thereof- received, and acknowledged.

Current state of heart and mind:

“There is some kind of sweet innocence in being human – in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole at the same time.”

                                                           – C.JoyBell C.-

Currently reading:

The Forty Rules of Love – Elif Shafak

بعد محاولات كتير

أفتنعت وأمنت ان البيحب..بيزعل، بيعاتب، بيخاصم، وبيقفل…بس مبيعرفش يكره

On those very cold nights

All I need is a hug.

Although am in a dire need for that hug..yet I deliberately walk away from people. I enjoy long walks in cold weather. Tonight I decided I don’t want to sit, chit-chat, and laugh. I want to walk….silently. I love those moments when I don’t have to do anything, when I enjoy the emptiness.  One thing I can effortlessly do is indulging in my own space.  My aura is my own space, where I get to accommodate myself comfortably inside a sealed bubble.

I love winter, long walks, and paradoxes…my life has been nothing but a series of interesting paradoxes attached to one another. First, it happened…then I adopted the concept. I thrive incontrast.

on Beliefs

I believe in wearing anything beautiful, colorful, and comfy.  I believe in smiling at strangers. In being chaotic and crooked and compassionate.  I believe in stars and the way some thousand year old dust of theirs is sitting inside your chest right now.  I believe in chances and signs, and I believe in something much more marvelous and outside the stretch of my understanding.  I believe in the sand beneath my toes.  I believe in sun burns and getting your hands dirty.   I believe in potential.  In fireworks in the bottom of a waterlogged soul.   I believe in love and wonder and magic at first sight, at after sight and ever and ever sight, at every single god damn sight.  I believe in believing, i believe in reason and lack thereof.  I believe in logic and sanity, and everything that undermines it.  Everything that ditches all the rules when required.  I believe in music being turned all the way up and the windows rolled down, I believe in things with and without words.  I believe in unconditional and I believe in a love that isn’t jealous or selfish or could be at times.  I believe in things this world tells me are foolish, and I believe in them passionately and without apologies.  I believe that science can only tell me how and history can only tell me when but neither can tell me why.  I believe in being limitless and fascinated than confined and nodding my head.

and she is

releasing….a sigh of relief, for she cleaned up the 2010 mess and ready with open heart and mind for 2011.

Wishing….everyone a happy new year.  faith-filled and promising tomorrow(s).

Vowing….to make (at least a little) difference, and to pick up on a childhood dream.

Cheering…enthusiastically for  Zamalek tonight )

Love,

Nerro, Rateeba, and Ensaf

Things I might be doing wrong but won’t stop doing…

Only because I believe I am right.

- I never failed to find excuses for people in order to forgive them while they never bothered to apologize in the first place.

- I wear my heart on my sleeve, I believe that my feelings count, if not to others fa for me…I believe wearing your true-self inside out is more authentic than pretending and hiding it inside just to get to where you want to be.

- I believe that since I don’t mind taking people’s sh*t fa they might as well be tolerant and bear with my emotional diarrhea.

- I don’t mind what people think of me.

Disclaimer: that post is not meant to be as egocentric as it reads ;D