1- In that very far deep end of my soul, I feel a faint miasma of dissatisfaction.For a reason am totally disconnected. I tried hard to connect but all in vain.
2- Will I ever learn that neither Ms. Bennet nor Jo March are pertinent “first date” material!! Next time I will definitely go for something more Oliver Twist (ish).
3- I guess am hooked up in the clutches of a new celebrity crush.
4- I told him that for me passion rules over reason, I tend to be reasonably challenged, while he is passionately reasonable and I totally hate that about him. He claimed it is only my ego and competitive inclinations.
Six months away from that day, we met again. In a once was an amazing place, an intimate district that has its idiosyncratic scent and significance, checked green tablecloth, hideous mismatched chairs, and an unbearable feeling of desolation.
I said I missed him; I wasn’t lying, he said the same and I am sure he said the truth.Something about the energy, the place, along with the conversation was urging me to leave after the first 30 minutes.I should have stopped there; I should have grabbed my”self” and rushed out .Alas, I didn’t; I am-with him- always late; always a step behind, always missing out on the right time.
He decided to put on Aristotle’s robe and started-indirectly- preaching, directing, condemning, and judging. I played along until finally philosophy bored me, I showed discontent.I started talking “me” while he showed lack of interest.Desperate for a rare/genuine moment of connection; I bounced back to his realm where he associated wisdom, Ghandi, and Greek Mythology.
I violently disapproved the association of Myths and Reality, epics of vicious atrocities to peaceful history making.I wasn’t defending the symbol, as much as I was defending my right of speaking up, talking my heart out, being heard and appreciated.
An hour later I decided to cut myself off him.I left awaiting this warm/flirtatious sms that habitually follows our gatherings, nevertheless today it not only came late but as icily as it could be… solitude prevailed.
According to Merriam Webster Solitude means the state of one who is alone. Solitude may imply a condition of being apart from all human beings or of being cut off by wish or circumstances from one’s associates.
In the long journey of finding refuge and comfort;
- - I am in the process of losing a friend whom I once declared “family”, he suspected my intentions and questioned our relation, while I underestimated the consequences not indifferently, but out of sheer belief in familial bond.
-- I learned to cry my eyes and heart in, I did it today
- - I don’t question religion, neither my religion nor any other.
Blogging live from the sunny spot @ CC, where I work.I finally settled in a nice small office rather than sharing a huge area- a.k.a (circus)- with zillions of other people who tend to speak “loudly” at the same time, and I wondered and wondered how on earth do they ever manage to understand each other.
The current situation makes being in low profile waaaaaaay easier, not quite sure if it is a pro or con. Mmmmm.. I have a tendency to see it as a pro distancing myself is what I certainly need.
Note to self: people are defensive and insecure by nature; accept it; beware of the infection.
I’ve recently been asked to play house by a guy, a guy that I was once falling for.Surprisingly, the request didn’t move a single bit of me, I wasn’t touched with the come back.The L word sounded obsolete…hollow; not because it was him who said it, but in a broad-spectrum, the word became pointless. I no longer believe in vocalizing emotions, I would rather see a move or an action…a real thing.
As for the new colleague; a.k.a Mr. Pompous; I gave up the chase; hated his guts as well as turned off by his arrogance.
So at work am a total freak, a green alien with a big eye in the middle of the head (they go with green since they practically know nothing about my pink planet).I speak life, they speak life as well yet in a totally different level.I love my definition of life and hate their own way of living their lives, I hate the way they waste their lives. Does that make me judgmental? Maybe, yet I pity them, not all of them, just some of them.
I pity every single person who is missing out on him/herself.Not that ya3ni I am a super duper gal who is deeply in touch with her-own-self.Yet, I strive to get a feel of who am I, what life is.A friend once told me that am approaching this issue in an erroneous way.Ya3ni the definition of life and the way it should be lived varies from one person to another. Same like happiness keda.
Frankly speaking, I can not relate khales, I failed to connect with any of them.Mostly they are nice people whom their majority I don’t know and the minority are way far from where I stand.I don’t think I can draw near them as I am not pretty much into the “hot spot” they tend to dwell around, and I currently don’t have neither the energy nor the tolerance required to tempt them out of their orbit.
On another note, it has been sooooooo long since I had this true moment of connection with anybody.
Juicy stuff:ok, there is this guy who is a new joiner.Nothing wrong about having new people at work you know, it just happens all the time.But eih ba2a, Naroura is pulling the little mean witch inside her on the poor guy, and poor here is a figure of speech. Why is she doing keda ba2a?? Rateeba tattles “Self defense technique, mmm the girl is unconsciously resisting, you name it ba2a.Rumor has it she is developing a crush towards the guy”.
I’ve been alienating myself from all, even from my own-self.The distance is getting wider.The wider it grow the more comfortable I get, am I really comfortable!! I am keeping a content happy face, don’t want to be judged, don’t want to spill negativity all around coz you know.. it is contagious. But I did, I gave up to the dark side of me.
I am angry, agitated, roasting deep inside.I am mad at “FRIENDS”, people I know and others I don’t. I keep blaming them for screwing my plans, parts of my own life, thenI come and relate it all to self, it is not their responsibility, it is my own responsibility, I should stand up for myself and fight for what I want.I have neither the will nor the energy to fight.I claim they are not the Real Deal anyway therefore not worth the effort…but after all aren’t they destroying whatever I am constructing!!
I am mad at dreams and aspirations; they don’t seem to come true.I am disappointed and at some point decided to quit dreaming and be realistic, go with the flow and see what kind of good/bad stuff real world might bring me.Now am not being impatient, but I am closer to uncertainty.
I am totally losing myself, the one I used to be, the one I aspire to become…am currently an image of someone I can’t relate to (emotionally that is). I am mad at me for letting go of the once was me.
Is a Gemini associated syndrome that has recently been drumming me relentlessly, not that I wasn’t a Gemini before-coz I’ve always been one- yet little Ms. ridiculously irrelevant decided to start acting up and for a reason I chose not to have power over it. I used to know how to control my mood swings, and innate dithering but currently am more into the spontaneous side of myself.Seriously, I found out that there are things that I need to know about myself, fa no way I can figure them out, unless am totally myself!!
Last night I was torn between watching tv, reading a nice book that I’ve started a few days ago, and writing an Arabic post in a series that I committed myself to write ( one of the new year’s resolutions).
Nerro would have scolded herself muttering things about amusement and prioritization,yet Rateeba made up her mind and ended up doing the 3 things simultaneously while Ensaf stood in the middle of the room lolling at what Rateeba is doing and wondering if this would have been done better a la Nerro!!
Side Note: I have segregated the Arabic posts from the English oneس, and gathered the “what me thinks is” readable material here.
Books:
Since it is the book fair hype and stuff I have a lot of reading to do, I even contemplated a reading vacation, nevertheless am a relatively new hire, and still have 3 months to be allowed some rest.Am currently reading Shay Aswad by Rabee3 Gaber a Lebanese writer that I fall in love with his style (in this novel, as I haven’t read any other thing for him), and I highly recommend.Here is a quote from the novel:
“يزعم أن الحياة لا قيمة لها (أولاً لأنها زائلة و ثانياً لأنها سلسلة لا متناهية من الرغبات فالتحققات فالخيبات فالرغبات، و ثالثاً لأنها غير مبررة – و هو اجتماع أولاً و ثانياً) لكنه يظل يتعلق بها و يكره أن يضجر و يود لو كان كذا أو كذا رغم أنه يعرف تفاهة هذا و سخافته، في النهاية”
“Life is more than a series of moments, you know? We can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love. And that’s what makes us who we are”
- Oh my, growing up is quite a tough job, I mean, sometimes you just realize that time is passing you by, you just gotta get yourself moving otherwise you wind up missing out on life or maybe on your-own-self. Time runs and when you pause to figure out where are you exactly standing you might be either satisfied or not. As for me life is more of a perpetual race. I need to stop, pause, and realize where am I exactly, but for a reason I can’t help but being the big white rabbit hurrying down in order not to miss out on something, what is that “thing” exactly?? I have not the tiniest clue.
- This might sound stupid, but I so want to be a mom, I became both so emotional and sensitive about this issue. I have a big secret that I haven’t told any one before. one of the main reasons behind the infamous “k” incident was the kids issue. I know this doesn’t sound sane enough, well, it doesn’t make sense at all, yet I was thinking Hey, the end justifies the means, and it is morally permissible, no?
I know this might happen or might not, I know there are certain things in life that we HAVE TO make peace with and accept. I theoretically agree, yet emotionally still wishing, hoping, and expecting. Believe me, sometimes instinct speaks louder than logic.
New Year Resolutions:
- I decided to make my peace with downtown, doesn’t seem like I have any other option.
- I decided to cut the crap wire on my life, I have taken severe actions to organize it and added a sense of discipline and commitment to it (away from work that is).
A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I’ve played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
Finally this year is coming to an end. It was quite an eventful one ya3ni, can’t really judge if it was eventful in a good or a bad way, however, I can claim that I’ve learned a lot, about life, people, and my-own-self.
Mesh 3arfa whenever is turns 11:55 on the night of Dec. 31st, I feel the universe pauses keda, in spite of the external commotion, internal silence and stillness prevails until the clock strikes 12:00 the universe’s march continues.
Anyways, Happy New Year. Hope all your days are made up of everything beautiful, happy, & special.
Current Status:I am spending a beautiful Thursday winter night at home, listening to the Phantom of the Opera sound tracks, and repeating the phantom of the opera song times and times again, I’ve been listening to it since morning and I didn’t get bored. Doesn’t sound pretty much like me, no?? however, Sarah Brightman and Michael Crowford are sorta irresistable. here goes for those who are interested…and if not just try listening to it, you are gonna love it.
from theh Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls):
When I recovered, Dad picked me up and heaved me back into the middle of the Hot Pot. “Sink or Swim!” he called out. For the Second time, I sank. The water once more filled my nose and lungs. I kicked and flailed and thrashed my way to the surface, gasping for air, and reached out to Dad. But he pulled back, and I didn’t feel his hands around me until I’d sunk one more time.
He did it again and again, until the realization that he was rescuing me only to throw me back into the water took hold, and so, rather than reaching for Dad’s hands, I tried to get away from them. I kicked at him and pushed away through the water with my arms, and finally, I was able to propel myself beyond his grasp.
“You’re doing it, baby!” Dad shouted. “You’re swimming!”
I staggered out of the water and sat on the calcified rocks, my chest heaving. Dad came out of the water, too, and tried to hug me, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with him, or with mom, who’d been floating on her back as if nothing were happening, or with Brian and Lori who gathered around and were congratulating me. Dad kept telling me that he loved me, that he never would have let me drown, but you can’t cling to the side your whole life, that one lesson every parent needs to teach a child is “If you don’t want to sink, you better figure out how to swim.” what other reason, he asked, would possibly make him do this?
Once I got my breath back, I figured he must be right. There was no other way to explain it.
Ana Masry!! A not to be missed sorta conert:
An event/concert that I’ve attended last week at the AUC, I gotta admit it was a different kind of concert. Ehaab Abdou’s beautiful lyrics and music were extraordinary, Janine Zaki took the audience breath, and when Yasser Abou Ouf Sang Aho Da elli Sar, and Emta El Zaman yesma7 ya gamil..he owned the stage. Sheikh Zein sang a part from diwan el 7alag…and there was a violinist who really got me. Cheapeau begad for the theme Ehaab chose, I loved it…anywayz, they are performing next Monday, 3 December @ Sakia. Don’t miss it
Down Town:
mmm..am in the process of getting along with downtown, still can’t make good friends with the district, as it is super crowded keda and intimidating (you can hardly cross the street, spend around 30 mins to get out of kasr el 3eini st to tahrir square, and even if you tried to walk you have to come across a heck of a painful side walk that would hurt your feet aktar 7aga that we now call this area midan el shaheed wel raseef el mo2lem), whether driving or walking I can easily get lost. However, I am doing my best to figure familiar places and relate..mesh 3arfa maybe it is still early!! for some hidden reason inside the little beautiful head of moi I thought I would make instantaneous peace with dowtown.
And I wonder if we are gonna ever have a feel of this…seriously..it is Novermber already and the weather is utterly hot. Am exaggerating a little bit..but it is hot.It is Friday night and am in the mood for blabbing. There is a good Woody Allen movie on t.v. but for some reason I can’t get myslef to watch it khales. I am spending a quiet weekend at home, nothing much is going on in the pinky life of my-royal-self as am getting all ready and energized for my new job. Should report there Sunday morning isa.
As mentioned in the previous post, yesterday was my last day at work “siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh”. Aslan I asked my colleagues not to throw a farewell party for me, I hate them…call me anti-social I don’t really mind at all, but those parties are for elder people…feels like 7afl ta2been keda…plus eno am the kind of person who prefers small cozy intimate gatherings, fa no point of throwing a big party that I won’t be really enjoying. And that’s what really happened I had lunch with boss and close ones in Fridays, then we had another gathering at the company with a cake and loads of jokes and fun in the very first department I worked for in the company. I loved the day, I loved my gifts and cute funny cards, I loved the sincere wishes, I loved scanning the walls and every single corner while walking around the building for the last time…but above all I am secretly thrilled to be called irreplaceable ;D
Corporate guy: blog worthy story: So we were anticipating a corporate visit a couple of weeks ago…me knowing who is coming I was up and at the top of it. I’ve seen one of the visitors in an earlier visit this year, but I was in the middle of something a.k.a relation fa I didn’t really pay good attention. Yet, I had a hint on how amusing this visit could be. Anywayz, the visitors came, and I was in front of the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen in my life…mind yoyu, he is not only handsome, he is also that classy, elegant, cultured, polite, witty, etc. etc. kinda guy that I can write books on him. Anywayz, I decided to be professional and forget all about how irresistable this guy is and concentrate in whatever I have to do. There were eye contacts and glances that I thought were of a special nature, yet I convinced myself that it is only a figment of my overly active imagination. The next day I took both visitors in a tour around our facilities, and I acted as foolishly as I never been in my life..anywayz, I kept on reminding my self that whatever I have in my mind is a “figment of my overly active imagination” bardo. I was putting my sun-glasses on most of the time to avoid eye contacts. But at some point the other visitor was using the rest room and I had to run a face to face conversation I was like why can’t I pretend that am an alien now and abduct you!!Anywayz…the next day was the goodbye day…and that was a heck of goodbye..the hanshake was weird and intense…it was long and tight with a straight right into the heart look…I blushed and grabbed my hand quickly from his…it was pretty embarrasing as my boss and the other visitor were around and watching. So …I think I probably sent him all the wrong signals. What’s the moral of the story…nothing in particular but the emphasis on me being a drama queen!! Needless to saythat I’ve spent 3 days looking him up on the internet, fantasying that I might find a blog of him or something and I can act as if I landed there incidentlly….alas, there is no such thing like him on the World Wide Web…he is not even registered in the FB :S
Note to him: oh MS how do I miss thee.
For Heliopolitan Book Worms: Starting December (as for as I know, which is not necessirly info from a reliable source) I guess we won’t need to drive all the way to the other side of the city to stimulate our soft spot for books. Diwan and Dar El Shorouk are opening their book stores in Heliopolis. Yaaaaaaaaaaay…Sweet..no!!
“Life doesn’t happen in chapters— at least, not regular ones”. It is not indeed…life is a whole, we fill in the pages of a small/meduim/large notebook that we have to skim through every now and then to make sure where are we standing.
I am turning one heck of a page in my life; a page full of facts, statements, nonsense, figures of speech, scribbled paragraphs, and proper immaculate ones. In retrospect, the page wasn’t flawless and I didn’t expect it to be, not that it would have bothered me if it was. Yet, I always give myself the right to fizzle. I blame myself though for every single mistake and resort to a self pact that I will improve and embellish, but at the end of the day I know am a human being and imperfection is never a sin.
That’s not an attitude am adopting just to ease things up for myself, nevertheless, I don’t know why should I flagellate myself up when no one asked me to. We set the bars and we are responsible how high should they get raised.
The new page: I will work hard to make it brighter, fulfilling, enriching, and more intimate. And my first liner would be “He who hurt thee but should be forgiven”
His eyes sparkeld and he merrily announced he has a “story”. He started telling me and I drifted away (metaphorically that is), he thought am so induldged in his fariy tale. He finished and I couldn’t fake it, I said am happy for him nothing in particular, it was like 30 awkward seconds till I started mumbling coherent words other than “interesting!”
It has been so long, and I should have seen this coming…we are all bound to fall. I am happy for him, am not jumping up and down and wishing him luck though. Is it a relapse? is it that empty spot that he hypothetically fills whenever I need on a no strings attached manner? Is it the fact that he is not gonna be available whenever I need him? and here is the part that I so hate.. why on earth do I need him…we are not that close, we meet whenever any of us needs the other, we feel at ease together however…we like to keep our distances, we silently agreed on this rule since the revalation.
I so wanted to collapse and cry, but I remebered that “big girls don’t cry”
