Turn the page

“Life doesn’t happen in chapters— at least, not regular ones”.   It is not indeed…life is a whole, we fill in the pages of a small/meduim/large notebook that we have to skim through every now and then to make sure where are we standing.

I am turning one heck of a page in my life;  a page full of facts,  statements,  nonsense,  figures of speech,  scribbled paragraphs, and proper immaculate ones.   In retrospect,  the page wasn’t flawless and I didn’t expect it to be,  not that it would have bothered me if it was.   Yet,  I always give myself the right to fizzle.   I blame myself though for every single mistake and resort to a self pact that I will improve and embellish, but at the end of the day I know am a human being and imperfection is never a sin.  

That’s not an attitude am adopting just to ease things up for myself, nevertheless, I don’t know why should I flagellate myself up when no one asked me to. We set the bars and we are responsible how high should they get raised.

The new page:  I will work hard to make it brighter, fulfilling, enriching, and more intimate.   And my first liner would be “He who hurt thee but should be forgiven”

So what?

I shouldn’t care, that was long ago. 

His eyes sparkeld and he merrily announced he has a “story”.  He started telling me and I drifted away (metaphorically that is), he thought am so induldged in his fariy tale.  He finished and I couldn’t fake it, I said am happy for him nothing in particular, it was like 30 awkward seconds till I started mumbling coherent words other than “interesting!”

It has been so long, and I should have seen this coming…we are all bound to fall. I am happy for him, am not jumping up and down and wishing him luck though.   Is it a relapse? is it that empty spot that he hypothetically fills whenever I need on a no strings attached manner? Is it the fact that he is not gonna be available whenever I need him? and here is the part that I so hate.. why on earth do I need him…we are not that close, we meet whenever any of us needs the other, we feel at ease together however…we like to keep our distances, we silently agreed on this rule since the revalation.

I so wanted to collapse and cry, but I remebered that “big girls don’t cry”

from Letters to a young poet – “Rilke”

“Whoever looks seriously will find that neither for death which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any clarification, any solution, any hint of a path been perceived; and for both these tasks which we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, there is no general agreed-upon rule that can be discovered. But in the same measure in which we begin to test life as individuals, these great Things will come to meet us, the individuals, with greater intimacy” Letter 7

 “If a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety like light and cloud-shadows moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change” Letter 8

“Don’t observe yourself too closely. Don’t be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. Otherwise it will be too easy for you to look with blame (that is: morally) at your past, which naturally has a share in everything that now meets you” Letter 8