on Crazy Girls

I am the crazy girl who speaks her mind and heart out..realizing that I am losing because I don’t play by the rules of a world I see as mediocre.

I am the crazy girl who finds solace in ugly truth. I have been called negative because I strip the truth bare and reject unnecessary “white” lies…

I am the crazy girl who follows her heart and intuition -and the voices in her head-. I have been called cold and unfriendly because I don’t show my Gemini colors, I loathe pretenses. I value people -even those whom I don’t like- enough not to pretend they mean anything to me, or fight and bring out the maniac in me to get a firm hold of cherished ones and place them in the place I deem appropriate in my heart and life.

I am the crazy girl who feels like hurting you bad and would compromise at the thought of a hug or hearing your voice…I am the crazy girl you are struggling to accept her rawness and aloofness.

I am the crazy girl who doesn’t believe in grey areas. Black, white, and Rainbow colors define the way I approach life.

I am the crazy girl who thinks of herself as Stargirl despite the shortfalls, not because I am too vain to acknowledge them, on the contrary, I do…but I also know for sure that star people are hard to find.

on a very personal note

– In case you didn’t notice, we all fall under the real definition of peripatetic ticking bombs. Our tolerance level to each other is below zero these days, which I find it pretty normal.

I try to act according to this base mostly all the time, but I explode when pushed to an edge.

– It is the end of May already, and June is a couple of days away. I just don’t know if I have admitted this explicitly before, but I hate June..I used to dislike it prior to 2010, as I considered it along with July one long hot 60 days month. Since the death of Grandma last year in the 1st day of June…I announced my pure and extreme abhorrence.  I know I shouldn’t hate ayam rabena.

But I just cannot prevent myself from doing so. I have been fighting this feeling but my heart is as heavy as a 3 story building with a swimming pool on top.

 

 – Note to *him*: message –or lack thereof- received, and acknowledged.

Current state of heart and mind:

“There is some kind of sweet innocence in being human – in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole at the same time.”

                                                           – C.JoyBell C.-

Currently reading:

The Forty Rules of Love – Elif Shafak

On those very cold nights

All I need is a hug.

Although am in a dire need for that hug..yet I deliberately walk away from people. I enjoy long walks in cold weather. Tonight I decided I don’t want to sit, chit-chat, and laugh. I want to walk….silently. I love those moments when I don’t have to do anything, when I enjoy the emptiness.  One thing I can effortlessly do is indulging in my own space.  My aura is my own space, where I get to accommodate myself comfortably inside a sealed bubble.

I love winter, long walks, and paradoxes…my life has been nothing but a series of interesting paradoxes attached to one another. First, it happened…then I adopted the concept. I thrive incontrast.

Satisfied (El7amdolelah) :D

 

Don’t be timid
Don’t be afraid to hurt
Run toward the flame, run toward the fire
Hold on for all your worth

Cause the only real pain
Your heart can never know
Is the feeling of regret
When you don’t let your feeling’s show
So did you say it
Did you mean it
Did you lay it on the line, did you make it count
Did you look ‘em in the eye & did they feel it
Did you say in time
Did you say out loud
Cause if you did Hun
Then you lived some
And that feeling inside
It’s called satisfied

Oath of Intention

“Love and kindness will be my greatest talents.

I will have true love, health, wealth, abundance and longevity.

I will know myself, love myself, develop myself and protect myself.

I will continually seek to understand, know and sympathize with my fellow man.

I will strive to cultivate the positive, and will resist indulging in negativity.

I will take without forgetting, and give without remembering.

I will teach others through example, that much can be done will little if you only have the desire.

I will live my dream, not dream it;  live it with morals, and live it with a heart that’s kind and not judgmental, vain or conceited.”

Things I might be doing wrong but won’t stop doing…

Only because I believe I am right.

– I never failed to find excuses for people in order to forgive them while they never bothered to apologize in the first place.

– I wear my heart on my sleeve, I believe that my feelings count, if not to others fa for me…I believe wearing your true-self inside out is more authentic than pretending and hiding it inside just to get to where you want to be.

– I believe that since I don’t mind taking people’s sh*t fa they might as well be tolerant and bear with my emotional diarrhea.

– I don’t mind what people think of me.

Disclaimer: that post is not meant to be as egocentric as it reads ;D

‪Les Petits Plaisirs de NE :D‬

3ala gherar Les Petits Plaisirs d’Amelie….She enjoys all sorts of little pleasures :D‬

‪- Sloshing in cold water after a steamy shower.‬

‪- The pleasant smell of trees and greenery after the rain.‬

‪- Taking a spoonful of a freshly cooked Molokheya (men el 7alla) while ta2leya is still crispy.‬

‪- Finding money even a coin…in her jeans pockets or coats.‬

‪- Turning on the radio…and accidentally hearing the right song that suits the constantly changing mood.‬

‪- Stumbling across people who can understand her incomplete sentences.‬

‪- A child’s giggle and elderly happily contoured face.‬

‪- An unexpected friendly gesture; from a sincere pat on a shoulder to a warm hug.‬

‪- Devouring a big sized Nutella jar and sipping coffee over a cozy chit chat on a bench across the Nile.‬

‪- The salty taste of a pickled onion after a heavenly piece of basboosa.‬

‪- The smell of freshly baked pastries in the house. Or the way the house smells on Friday.‬

‪- Walking barefoot on marble floors…the open space inside the Citadel’s (Mohamed Ali) Mosque in specific.‬

‪- Watching kittens clumsily trying to work their way through.‬

‪- Seeing a starfish‬

‪- An Adrenaline rush.‬

‪- Knowing a secret that very few or better no one else knows.‬

‪- Anagram-ing her long drives away…nothing serves perfectly as the new car plates :D‬

‪- Cuddling, watching movies, and sipping hot chocolate in a lazy cold Saturday afternoon.‬

‪- The soft velvety texture of a warda baladi‬

‪- Rinsing seasonal strawberries and inhaling the entrancing aroma.‬

‪- A gentle deep eye contact with a beloved that conveys that she is the WORLD without saying it.‬
‪‬

She digresses

Ramadan Kareem 😀  it is Ramadan that everyone including myself claims eno geh fag2a..I guess it is not fag2a, it is just we were not ready…and generally speaking we are never ready.  A few days later…we will be exclaiming how fast it went.

I’ve been feeling so down since the sudden stop of READ, I’ve been so high on it…had a vision and plans…everyone who contributed to the paper did.  Couldn’t face teams disappointment, as I couldn’t contain mine.  I was disappointed cause I believed, it wasn’t a tough dream..but it wasn’t my dream to fight for although I felt I should have been given the chance to.  

 To ……..:

I hate when you connect on a very superficial level, while I KNOW that you can go a whole lot deeper.  I am tired of trying to get you there, and I wouldn’t really mind if you said you don’t want to…just say it and I will succumb to your wish. 

PS: I want to have memories with you.

Now re. the aforementioned point, why do I need “his” confirmation to act accordingly, I have all the sings that says I need to back off…yet here comes an excruciatingly important question; should I go with “his” words and confirmation, wala with my intuition and feelings!!!

PS: This is a hypothetical question…I don’t want an answer.

“Sometimes when I say I am fine..I want someone to look me in the eyes and say tell the truth”

Movie Recommendation: Inception…the kind of movie that would keep you glued to your seat, thinking and wondering…and will haunt you for days after watching.

On beliefs

I believe that God is great, and he is “Merciful”, I read that in the Quran and in many a7adith, yet the yaqeen made it to my heart long time ago through experience.

I believe am neither a good person, nor a bad person but a “jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants”, and if I practiced the required amount of discipline, I can pretty much turn to the wants into a guaranteed source of contentment.

I believe that I need to stop rambling on the Facebook and start utilizing this blog to spill my heart out as I used to do.

Walking towards sunshine II

With every heartbreak, you look inside and see that little heart of yours torn into million little pieces, you swear you will never give it to anyone and will never accept anyone else’s. You try to put the pieces together, alas..you fail. The gash is too deep, and the flow of blood won’t stop.  The pain is endless that you wake up, stare at your pillow all soggy, and wonder if that emotional drain will ever come to a hush.

You – robotically-live your life, start walking around with this sort of apparently focused yet actually absent look, the sun takes notice and decides to chase you like you used to chase her… teasingly glistening on your skin, you realize that you have to play along.   You look and remember that you have missed out on the main purpose, you remember that it is not the end of the journey yet.

The sun extends those luminous hands to your chest, takes a look at the messed up organ, then turns those fractures and splinters into a window; where you can see through your soul; where you can see the hidden gifts buried under the once was smooth flawless surface.    You understand that even a heartbreak is yet another way of evolution, bitterness slightly develop into appreciation…and you murmur a “thank you” and a little prayer.   You feel loved although someone slammed a door thrashing your passion and infatuation, but you have seen others standing at the end of corridor lovingly collecting and embracing the smashed defeated bits. You are whole again.

The sun glimpses a smirk on your face, she walks with you hand in hand, steps swift and sturdy, until you gain momentum…then she runs, quickly…for you to chase her again. And you effortlessly do 😀

To those who are frustrated, giving up, and losing interest in life

My Grandma is sick, as in really sick (in a critical condition).   Despite her pain, when she is conscious she smiles and giggles..  as usual she is keen on teaching me lessons to live with.

Refuse to fall down

If you cannot refuse to fall down

Refuse to stay down

lift your heart toward heaven like a hungry beggar

ask that it be filled and it will be filled.

You may be pushed down

You may be kept from rising

But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven-only you.

It is in the middle of misery that so much becomes clear

The one who says nothing good came of this is not yet listening

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

A new day has come!!

Once upon a time a friend of mine told me that I don’t write except when am hurt or angry.  I argued back then eno la2 tab3an, I tend to spill my heart out whenever I feel like it…me thinks she had a point.

Zaman I used to trust writing rather than talking, then I figured la2 eno writing is a lonely act,  and although I connect in a level with a lot of people, yet I am missing the vis-à-vis human interaction…which is pretty much the essence of living (to some) not all.   I am more of a listener, but that’s not the rule, sometimes Rateeba and Ensaf –or either one- take over and I get to be the non-stop talker rather than the listener…why am I saying this right now?

I have no idea.  I just figured that it is not about Rateeba, Ensaf, or Nerro…it is about the others as well, some people make you feel comfortable from the first sight, that you can connect in an eye blink.   Others might make you feel like an alien and you are the last person they would be caught dead talking to.

It is the unspoken messages, that makes you either to talk or to resort to listening.

Quote of the day:

“People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.”

Walking towards sunshine

Although I am almost never alone, but I feel the loneliest ever…the most insecure and vulnerable…I’ve practically put myself in deep –lamuakhza-shit a few months ago, and couldn’t get myself out of it easily, it took me so long to get out. On the way out, I’ve lost a few things, my pride was one of them…and actually was the one thing that pushed me to fight back and try to stand up and wipe the mess out.  I am emotionally depleted, and mentally exhausted.  I did that to myself, won’t blame anyone else.  

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”  

setchi el 7abayeb ya 7abiba…tara ra

Mothers Day is a few days away…and the most prominent question these days is; hatgibo eih fi 3eed el 2om!! no?

yalla share your thoughts and ideas for the best present for our lovely precious Mamas.

Also, Mamas always have very special memories and stories about presents given to them by their children.  for instance; my Mama today gets fancy and nice presents, yet she cherishes the handmade cards my sister and I used to make while we were very young…she has kept every single  flawed note and card.  She never misses an opportunity to get them out of their makhba2 serry and re-read them  😀

what’s your Mama’s most cherished present?

Happy Motherss Day

3andek Matbakh??

I yearn to the time where all it took to befriend someone was a simple sentence like “momken netsa7eb?” or if you wanted to raise the bar for them a bit you would go for “3andek matbakh?”

Zaman when we were young we sort of figured early on that friendship/companionship is what we need; ,we were open, clear, and specific about it.  We were able to say yes to those whom we related to and no to those whom we didn’t.  A compromise would have been “balash matbakh, tab tea set?” I mean come on…who doesn’t have a tea set!!! An imaginary tea party would serve the purpose, break the ice, and open the hearts for life, love, and inexplicable bonds that would last for years, months, days, or even a couple of hours.  Yet I dare say genuine…for the lack of misleading, delusive, hypocrite, between the lines notions make it  easy to get to know people, let alone accepting them as they are.

Today, it takes forever to get to know someone, companionship is not a popular term; it usually entails other benefits, or not… but something gotta come out of it, or this is how you presume it would entail before even initiating a contact with someone you are interested in knowing.

I know am one of those incredibly socially challenged people; but not because I don’t like people…bel3aks, I like people as is, as genuine and authentic as they are. I don’t mind their flaws…cause simply we are all flawed. And those who think people should be perfect must really think twice, cause human beings are not meant to be flawless…they are not angels.

Today I saw a seemingly interesting person that I would have loved to get to know; yet I left and the sentence “3andek matbakh?” kept on reverberating in my mind.