Stripping Bare - Barely Stripping

Six months away from that day , we met again. In a once was an amazing place, an intimate district that has its idiosyncratic scent and significance, checked green tablecloth, hideous mismatched chairs, and an unbearable feeling of desolation.

I said I missed him; I wasn’t lying, he said the same and I am sure he said the truth. Something about the energy, the place, along with the conversation was urging me to leave after the first 30 minutes. I should have stopped there; I should have grabbed my”self” and rushed out . Alas, I didn’t; I am-with him- always late; always a step behind, always missing out on the right time.

He decided to put on Aristotle’s robe and started-indirectly- preaching, directing, condemning, and judging. I played along until finally philosophy bored me, I showed discontent. I started talking “me” while he showed lack of interest. Desperate for a rare/genuine moment of connection; I bounced back to his realm where he associated wisdom, Ghandi, and Greek Mythology.

I violently disapproved the association of Myths and Reality, epics of vicious atrocities to peaceful history making. I wasn’t defending the symbol, as much as I was defending my right of speaking up, talking my heart out, being heard and appreciated.

An hour later I decided to cut myself off him. I left awaiting this warm/flirtatious sms that habitually follows our gatherings, nevertheless today it not only came late but as icily as it could be… solitude prevailed.

According to Merriam Webster Solitude means the state of one who is alone. Solitude may imply a condition of being apart from all human beings or of being cut off by wish or circumstances from one’s associates.

In the long journey of finding refuge and comfort;

- - I am in the process of losing a friend whom I once declared “family”, he suspected my intentions and questioned our relation, while I underestimated the consequences not indifferently, but out of sheer belief in familial bond.

- - I learned to cry my eyes and heart in, I did it today

- - I don’t question religion, neither my religion nor any other.

- - I wonder if am growing up or growing old!!

Of being sun-kissed and other stories

Blogging live from the sunny spot @ CC, where I work.  I finally settled in a nice small office rather than sharing a huge area- a.k.a (circus)- with zillions of other people who tend to speak “loudly” at the same time, and I wondered and wondered how on earth do they ever manage to understand each other. 

 

The current situation makes being in low profile waaaaaaay easier, not quite sure if it is a pro or con. Mmmmm.. I have a tendency to see it as a pro  distancing myself is what I certainly need.

 

Note to self: people are defensive and insecure by nature; accept it; beware of the infection.

 

I’ve recently been asked to play house by a guy, a guy that I  was once falling for.  Surprisingly, the request didn’t move a single bit of me, I wasn’t touched with the come back.  The L word sounded obsolete…hollow; not because it was him who said it, but in a broad-spectrum, the word became pointless. I no longer believe in vocalizing emotions, I would rather see a move or an action…a real thing.  

 

As for the new colleague; a.k.a Mr. Pompous; I gave up the chase; hated his guts as well as turned off by his arrogance.

Do you want a piece of me?

So at work am a total freak, a green alien with a big eye in the middle of the head (they go with green since they practically know nothing about my pink planet).  I speak life, they speak life as well yet in a totally different level.  I love my definition of life and hate their own way of living their lives, I hate the way they waste their lives. Does that make me judgmental? Maybe, yet I pity them, not all of them, just some of them. 

I pity every single person who is missing out on him/herself.  Not that ya3ni I am a super duper gal who is deeply in touch with her-own-self.  Yet, I strive to get a feel of who am I,  what life is.  A friend once told me that am approaching this issue in an erroneous way.  Ya3ni the definition of life and the way it should be lived varies from one person to another. Same like happiness keda. 

Frankly speaking, I can not relate khales, I failed to connect with any of them.  Mostly they are nice people whom their majority I don’t know and the minority are way far from where I stand.  I don’t think I can draw near them as I am not pretty much into the “hot spot” they tend to dwell around, and I currently don’t have neither the energy nor the tolerance required to tempt them out of their orbit.

On another note, it has been sooooooo long since I had this true moment of  connection with anybody. 

Juicy stuff:  ok, there is this guy who is a new joiner.  Nothing wrong about having new people at work you know, it just happens all the time.  But eih ba2a, Naroura is pulling the little mean witch inside her on the poor guy, and poor here is a figure of speech. Why is she doing keda ba2a?? Rateeba tattles “Self defense technique, mmm the girl is unconsciously resisting, you name it ba2a.  Rumor has it she is developing a crush towards the guy”.

From “Women who run with the wolves”– Clarissa Pinkola Estes

“To adjoin the instinctual nature does not mean to come undone, change everything from left to right, from black to white, to move the east to west, to act crazy or out of control. It does not mean to lose one’s primary socializations, or to become less human. It means quite the opposite. The wild nature has a vast integrity to it”

“La Loba (Wolf Woman), the old one, the One Who Knows, is within us. She thrives in the deepest soul-psyche of women, the ancient and vital Wild Woman. She describes her home as that place in time where the spirit of women and the spirit of wolf meet the place where her mind and her instincts mingle, where a woman’s deep life funds her mundane life. It is the point where the I and the Thou kiss, the place where women run with the wolves”

“To win the wildish woman’s heart, a mate would understand her natural duality through and through. Anyone close to a wildish woman is in fact in the presence of two women; an outer being and an interior criatura, one who lives in the topside world, one who lives in the world not so easily seeable. The outer being lives by the light of day and is easily observed. She is often pragmatic, acculturated, and very human. The criatura, however, often travels to the surface from far away, often appearing and then as quickly disappearing, yet always leaving behind a feeling: something surprising, original, and knowing”

“Like all other lonely or hungry things, ego loves the light. It sees light, and the possibility of being close to the soul, and it creeps up to it and steals one of its essential camouflages. In a hunger for soul, our own ego-self steals the pelt”

“Forgiveness is an act of creation. You can choose from many ways to do it. You can forgive for now, forgive till then, forgive till the next time, forgive but give no more chances it’s a whole new game if there is another incident. You can give one more chance, give several more chances, give many chances, give chances only if. You can forgive part, all, or half of the offense. You can devise a blanket of forgiveness. You decide”

Bottled Up

I’ve been alienating myself from all, even from my own-self.  The distance is getting wider.  The wider it grow the more comfortable I get, am I really comfortable!! I am keeping a content happy face, don’t want to be judged, don’t  want to spill negativity all around coz you know.. it is contagious. But I did, I gave up to the dark side of me.

 

I am angry, agitated, roasting deep inside.  I am mad at “FRIENDS”,  people I know and others I don’t. I keep blaming them for screwing my plans, parts of my own life, then  I come and relate it all to self, it is not their responsibility, it is my own responsibility, I should stand up for myself and fight for what I want.  I have neither the will nor the energy to fight.  I claim they are not the Real Deal anyway therefore not worth the effort…but after all aren’t  they destroying whatever I am constructing!!

 

I am mad at dreams and aspirations; they don’t seem to come true.  I am disappointed and at some point decided to quit dreaming and be realistic, go with the flow and see what kind of good/bad stuff real world might bring me.  Now am not being impatient, but I am closer to uncertainty.

 

I am totally losing myself, the one I used to be, the one I aspire to become…am currently an image of someone I can’t relate to (emotionally that is). I am mad at me for letting go of the once was me.

The Book Club Around the Corner

The BCATC brings members together to read and discuss a selection of titles that vary in genre (fiction & non-fiction).   The club highly promotes and values Freedom of expression.

 The purpose of this book club is to:

- Cultivate reading as a lifetime healthful habit.

- Expand the members’ personal literary experience by reading quality and diverse works.

- provide an open forum for members to exchange ideas and opinions by having monthly book discussions and networking with other literary organizations.

-On the long term- Sponsor a junior book club.

 Activities: Book Discussions:

Every month we will brainstorm a list of 5 books, and will go with the book that acquired the highest number of votes.  We can also invite the authors to answer members questions, and discuss their writing.

 Story telling events:

Will host professional story tellers and folk tales narrators.  Members may also present their own story telling events if they are willing to.

 On the spot Round-Robin gatherings:

A monthly event, in which the moderator will prepare an undisclosed theme until he/she starts the round.  The round participants then will collaborate to come out with a full story.

 Book Bazar:

Club members gather in a friendly event to sell or exchange their superfluous books.

 Online activities( could be but not limited to):

Online book discussions, book recommendations, book reviews, interesting book quotes, and announcements.

 How to Join: 

Visit the Club’s Home Page

http://groups.google.com/group/nerros-book-club

Thursday Night

It is almost 7 pm, and am still at the office :S and as they say the night is still young..3aaaa.

Mmmm…me thinks this might be an interpretation of last night’s dream. Asl -kheir allahomag3alo khier- I dreamt that I became a trapped digit inside cell D25 in an Excel sheet (can’t recall which digit I was). I tried hard to find a way out. Alas, my nonstop attemps didn’t get me anywhere other than D25. It was tough, really tough…heck of a dilemma ya3ni.

I kept blaming myself ba2a for not working hard and inhabiting an A10 mathalan ( coz you know, that how things go in the wild world of Excel workbooks. If you are a clever and hard working digit you earn your position in the sheet). Anyways, I spent the whole dream awaiting my salvation in a cut and paste order!!

Yalla, Nino goes back to work and you enjoy the weekend :D

The 7adary Debate

So it is like all Egypt’s Infrastructure, Political, and Economical tribulations are suddenly of the past and we have nothing to talk about except the 7adary’s dramatic exit, right?

Ya3ni tayeb I have a question..mmm..a couple of them actually!

 

a)      When did Essam El 7adary became an  Egyptian Icon? with all due respect ya3ni, he is an excellent goal keeper and all, but in my opinion he doesn’t qualify for  a national hero, not an ICON.  (am not trying to answer my own question, am just thinking out loud while typing)

b)      In what way could  his escapade affect the lives of the Egyptians?

I am not prejudiced against the guy, on the contrary I believe eno he is mature enough to mind his own business, and he is totally 7orr to figure out his futuristic plans. 

 

I just think that the whole issue is overrated,  and by whole I mean the Whole Winning Team Extravaganza.  It is good to find some relief of the constantly disheartening daily life in your football team, bas ya3ny come on!! consume just a little of  this gigantic energy stream in a bit of an advantageous act (and it will work wonders).  Ya3ni..that’s what I think :S

Dormant State yet we celebrate

Ladies and gents,

We (and by we I mean rateeba, ensaf, and my-humble-self)  are celebrating Nermeena’s blog third anniversary.  Let me tell you I spent days and days reading my archives from the very first post till the very last one and I can’t really express how I felt.  It is like documenting one’s life…I’ve watched myself growing up, achieving dreams, making foolish mistakes, stumbling and rising up as good as new.  I laughed at myself sometimes and  cried as well recalling harsh moments.  To cut the crap wire…I really enjoyed my past 3 years of blogging.

On another note, I noticed that I no longer have the time or the will (at some points) to talk about the details I used to talk about, I guess it is part of the growing up thingie…or it might be one of the girls (R or E) is taking over and she is into the low profile side of the world.  Fa eih ba2a…am I gonna surrender?? hell..no. I will try to write on daily basis about the most beautiful thing that happened to me during that day. Only one beautiful thing everyday, not a tough one I reckon !!

I went walking with mama one day,

when she warn me what people say.

Live your life until love is found,

or love is gonna get you down.

Nity;)

Nerro

Rateeba w Ensaf Roshdy

Is a Gemini associated syndrome that has recently been drumming me relentlessly, not that I wasn’t a Gemini before-coz I’ve always been one- yet little Ms. ridiculously irrelevant decided to start acting up and for a reason I chose not  to have power over it.  I used to know how to control my mood swings, and innate dithering but currently am more into the spontaneous side of myself.  Seriously, I found out that there are things that I need to know about myself, fa no way I can figure them out, unless am totally myself!!  

Last night I was torn between watching tv, reading a nice book that I’ve started a few days ago, and writing an Arabic post in a series that I committed myself to write ( one of the new year’s resolutions).

Nerro would have scolded herself muttering things about amusement and prioritization,  yet Rateeba made up her mind and  ended up doing the 3 things simultaneously while  Ensaf stood in the middle of the room lolling at what Rateeba is doing and wondering if this would have been  done better a la Nerro!!

Side Note: I have segregated the Arabic posts from the English oneس, and gathered the “what me thinks is” readable material here.

Books:
Since it is the book fair hype and stuff I have a lot of reading to do, I even contemplated a reading vacation, nevertheless am a relatively new hire, and still have 3 months to be allowed some rest.  Am currently reading Shay Aswad by Rabee3 Gaber a Lebanese writer that I fall in love with his style (in this novel, as I haven’t read any other thing for him), and I highly recommend.  Here is a quote from the novel:

“يزعم أن الحياة لا قيمة لها (أولاً لأنها زائلة و ثانياً لأنها سلسلة لا متناهية من الرغبات فالتحققات فالخيبات فالرغبات، و ثالثاً لأنها غير مبررة – و هو اجتماع أولاً و ثانياً) لكنه يظل يتعلق بها و يكره أن يضجر و يود لو كان كذا أو كذا رغم أنه يعرف تفاهة هذا و سخافته، في النهاية”

Wanted

2 tickets/invitations for Marcel Khalifa’s concert.

If you managed to provide the aforementioned tickets, you will be rewarded with a 3 days trip to the Pink Planet. Accommodation in the Royal Pink Suite, and transportation via HRH private space shuttle included.   Not to mention a surprise lunch/dinner/coffee with HRPH.

\\Royal Pink Stamp\\

of getting old and other things

“Life is more than a series of moments, you know? We can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love. And that’s what makes us who we are”

- Oh my, growing up is quite a tough job, I mean, sometimes you just realize that time is passing you by, you just gotta get yourself moving otherwise you wind up missing out on life or maybe on your-own-self. Time runs and when you pause to figure out where are you exactly standing you might be either satisfied or not. As for me life is more of a perpetual race. I need to stop, pause, and realize where am I exactly, but for a reason I can’t help but being the big white rabbit hurrying down in order not to miss out on something, what is that “thing” exactly?? I have not the tiniest clue.

- This might sound stupid, but I so want to be a mom, I became both so emotional and sensitive about this issue. I have a big secret that I haven’t told any one before. one of the main reasons behind the infamous “k” incident was the kids issue. I know this doesn’t sound sane enough, well, it doesn’t make sense at all, yet I was thinking Hey, the end justifies the means, and it is morally permissible, no?

I know this might happen or might not, I know there are certain things in life that we HAVE TO make peace with and accept. I theoretically agree, yet emotionally still wishing, hoping, and expecting. Believe me, sometimes instinct speaks louder than logic.

New Year Resolutions:

- I decided to make my peace with downtown, doesn’t seem like I have any other option.

- I decided to cut the crap wire on my life, I have taken severe actions to organize it and added a sense of discipline and commitment to it (away from work that is).

Of New Years; Happy New Year

A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I’ve played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.

 

Finally this year is coming to an end.  It was quite an eventful one ya3ni, can’t really judge if it was eventful in a good or a bad way, however, I can claim that I’ve learned a lot, about life, people, and my-own-self.

 

Mesh 3arfa whenever is turns 11:55 on the night of Dec. 31st, I feel the universe pauses keda, in spite of the external commotion, internal silence and stillness prevails until the clock strikes 12:00 the universe’s march continues.

 

Anyways, Happy New Year. Hope all your days are made up of everything beautiful, happy, & special.

Love,

Nerro

Listening to the music of the night

Current Status:I am spending a beautiful Thursday winter night at home, listening to the Phantom of the Opera sound tracks, and repeating the phantom of the opera song times and times again, I’ve been listening to it since morning and I didn’t get bored. Doesn’t sound pretty much like me, no?? however, Sarah Brightman and Michael Crowford are sorta irresistable.  here goes for those who are interested…and if not just try listening to it, you are gonna love it.

from theh Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls):

When I recovered, Dad picked me up and heaved me back into the middle of the Hot Pot. “Sink or Swim!” he called out. For the Second time, I sank. The water once more filled my nose and lungs. I kicked and flailed and thrashed my way to the surface, gasping for air, and reached out to Dad. But he pulled back, and I didn’t feel his hands around me until I’d sunk one more time.

He did it again and again, until the realization that he was rescuing me only to throw me back into the water took hold, and so, rather than reaching for Dad’s hands, I tried to get away from them. I kicked at him and pushed away through the water with my arms, and finally, I was able to propel myself beyond his grasp.

“You’re doing it, baby!” Dad shouted. “You’re swimming!”

I staggered out of the water and sat on the calcified rocks, my chest heaving. Dad came out of the water, too, and tried to hug me, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with him, or with mom, who’d been floating on her back as if nothing were happening, or with Brian and Lori who gathered around and were congratulating me. Dad kept telling me that he loved me, that he never would have let me drown, but you can’t cling to the side your whole life, that one lesson every parent needs to teach a child is “If you don’t want to sink, you better figure out how to swim.” what other reason, he asked, would possibly make him do this?

Once I got my breath back, I figured he must be right. There was no other way to explain it.

Ana Masry!! A not to be missed sorta conert:

An event/concert that I’ve attended last week at the AUC, I gotta admit it was a different kind of concert. Ehaab Abdou’s beautiful lyrics and music were extraordinary, Janine Zaki took the audience breath, and when Yasser Abou Ouf Sang Aho Da elli Sar, and Emta El Zaman yesma7 ya gamil..he owned the stage. Sheikh Zein sang a part from diwan el 7alag…and there was a violinist who really got me. Cheapeau begad for the theme Ehaab chose, I loved it…anywayz, they are performing next Monday, 3 December @ Sakia. Don’t miss it

Down Town:

mmm..am in the process of getting along with downtown, still can’t make good friends with the district, as it is super crowded keda and intimidating (you can hardly cross the street, spend around 30 mins to get out of kasr el 3eini st to tahrir square, and even if you tried to walk you have to come across a heck of a painful side walk that would hurt your feet aktar 7aga that we now call this area midan el shaheed wel raseef el mo2lem), whether driving or walking I can easily get lost.  However, I am doing my best to figure familiar places and relate..mesh 3arfa maybe it is still early!! for some hidden reason inside the little beautiful head of moi I thought I would make instantaneous peace with dowtown.

Beautiful warm night for all :D

Although it is night, but That’s the kind of day I wish for you ;D

A dear friend of mine sent me this song and he literally made my day, fa I thought I should pay it forward :D

A setting sun that paints a tie-dyed sky
A feather bed, an ancient lullaby
A kiss good night from one whose love is true
That’s the kind of day i wish for youA field of flowers dancing in the spring
A little creek, a tree, an old rope swing
Cotton candy clouds against the blue
That’s the kind of day i wish for you

First love with all its storm
Raging like fire within
Tossing your heart to chance
You swear the dance will never end

But then it does and someone says goodbye
And after all those empty nights you cried
The morning that you wake up good as new
That’s the kind of day i wish for you

The faith of knowing deep inside your heart
That heaven holds more than just some stars
Someone’s up there watching over you
That’s the kind of day i wish for you